The Ultimate Book of Dad Jokes: 1,001+ Punny Jokes Your Pops Will Love Telling Over and Over and Over...
Q: Why couldn’t the pony sing himself a lullaby?
A: He was a little hoarse.
A: He was a little hoarse.
Q: What does a nosey pepper do?
A: Gets jalapeno business!
A: Gets jalapeno business!
Q: What do you call a fake noodle?
A: An Impasta
A: An Impasta
Q: What do you call an alligator in a vest?
A: An Investigator
A: An Investigator
Q: What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?
A: Every morning you’ll rise and shine!
A: Every morning you’ll rise and shine!
Q: What did the triangle say to the circle?
A: You’re pointless!
A: You’re pointless!
Q: “What’s the difference between a guitar and a fish?”
A: “You can’t tuna fish.”
A: “You can’t tuna fish.”
Q: What do you call a pile of kittens
A: a meowntain
A: a meowntain
Q: What do you call a baby monkey?
A: A Chimp off the old block.
A: A Chimp off the old block.
Q: Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato?
A: The lettuce was a “head” and the tomato was trying to “ketchup”!
A: The lettuce was a “head” and the tomato was trying to “ketchup”!
Q: Did you hear about the hungry clock?
A: It went back four seconds.
A: It went back four seconds.
Q: What do you call a boy who finally stood up to the bullies?
A: An ambulance.
A: An ambulance.
Q: Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato?
A: The lettuce was a “head” and the tomato was trying to “ketchup”!
A: The lettuce was a “head” and the tomato was trying to “ketchup”!
Q: Why do the hamburgers beat the hot dogs at every sport they play?
A: Because hot dogs are the wurst!
A: Because hot dogs are the wurst!
Q: Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
A: Because they lactose.
A: Because they lactose.
Q: Why was 6 afraid of 7?
A: Because 7, 8, 9.
A: Because 7, 8, 9.
Q: What musical instrument is found in the bathroom?
A: A tuba toothpaste.
A: A tuba toothpaste.
Q: What do you call cheese that’s not yours?
A: Nacho cheese!
A: Nacho cheese!
Q: What do elves learn in school?
A: The elf-abet.
A: The elf-abet.
Q: Why did the boy bring a ladder to school?
A: He wanted to go to high school.
A: He wanted to go to high school.
Q: Where do pencils go for vacation?
A: Pencil-vania.
A: Pencil-vania.
Q: Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road?
A: To go with the traffic jam!
A: To go with the traffic jam!
Q: Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach?
A: Because they might peel!
A: Because they might peel!
Q: How do you make a tissue dance?
A: You put a little boogie in it.
A: You put a little boogie in it.
Q: Which flower talks the most?
A: Tulips, of course, because they have two lips!
A: Tulips, of course, because they have two lips!
Q: A man arrived in a small town on Friday. He stayed for two days and left on Friday. How is this possible?
A: His horse’s name is Friday!
A: His horse’s name is Friday!
Q: What did 0 say to 8?
A: Nice belt!
A: Nice belt!
Q: What did the mushroom say to the fungus?
A: You’re a fun guy (fungi).
A: You’re a fun guy (fungi).
Q: Why can’t you give Elsa a balloon?
A: Because she will Let it go.
A: Because she will Let it go.
Q: What do you get from a pampered cow?
A: Spoiled milk.
A: Spoiled milk.
Q: If Mississippi bought Virginia a New Jersey, what would Delaware?
A: Idaho… Alaska!
A: Idaho… Alaska!
Q: Did you hear about that new broom?
A: It’s sweeping the nation!
A: It’s sweeping the nation!
Q: What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter?
A: An irrelephant.
A: An irrelephant.
Q: What do lawyers wear to court?
A: Lawsuits!
A: Lawsuits!
Q: What gets wetter the more it dries?
A: A towel.
A: A towel.
Q: Where do crayons go on vacation?
A: Color-ado!
A: Color-ado!
Q: Why did the belt get arrested?
A: He held up a pair of pants.
A: He held up a pair of pants.
Q: What do you call a fat psychic?
A: A four chin teller.
A: A four chin teller.
Q: What do you call a computer floating in the ocean?
A: A Dell Rolling in the Deep.
A: A Dell Rolling in the Deep.
Q: What did Bacon say to Tomato?
A: Lettuce get together!
A: Lettuce get together!
Q: What do you call a computer that sings?
A: A-Dell
A: A-Dell
Q: Why did the banana go to the doctor?
A: Because he wasn’t peeling well.
A: Because he wasn’t peeling well.
Q: Did you hear about the shampoo shortage in Jamaica?
A: It’s dread-full.
A: It’s dread-full.
Q: What is it called when a cat wins a dog show?
A: A CAT-HAS-TROPHY!
A: A CAT-HAS-TROPHY!
Q: How do you make a tissue dance?
A: Put a little boogey in it!
A: Put a little boogey in it!
Q: What is heavy forward but not backward?
A: Ton.
A: Ton.
Q: What do you call a gangsta snowman?
A: Froze-T
A: Froze-T
Q: What did the femur say to the patella?
A: I kneed you.
A: I kneed you.
Q: What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse?
A: Kitty Perry
A: Kitty Perry
Q: Why did the picture go to jail?
A: Because it was framed.
A: Because it was framed.
Q: What do you call a three-footed aardvark?
A: a yardvark!
A: a yardvark!
Q: What do you get when you cross fish and an elephant?
A: Swimming trunks.
A: Swimming trunks.
Q: Where do bees go to the bathroom?
A: At the BP station!
A: At the BP station!
Q: Who earns a living driving their customers away?
A: A taxi driver.
A: A taxi driver.
Q: What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise?
A: LMAYO
A: LMAYO
Q: What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary?
A: a thesaurus.
A: a thesaurus.
Q: “How do you shoot a killer bee?”
A: “With a bee bee gun.”
A: “With a bee bee gun.”
Q: How do you drown a Hipster?
A: In the mainstream.
A: In the mainstream.
Q: What kind of jokes do you make in the shower?
A: Clean Jokes!
A: Clean Jokes!
Q: What did the baby corn say to the mama corn?
A: “Where’s Popcorn?”
A: “Where’s Popcorn?”
Q: What do you call sad coffee?”
A: Despresso.
A: Despresso.
Q: How do you make holy water?
A: Boil the hell out of it!
A: Boil the hell out of it!
Q: What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly?
A: It barked with de-light!
A: It barked with de-light!
Q: What stays in the corner and travels all over the world?
A: A stamp.
A: A stamp.
Q: What do you call a man with no body and just a nose?
A: Nobody nose.
A: Nobody nose.
Q: Why did the computer go to the doctor?
A: Because it had a virus!
A: Because it had a virus!
Q: Why are frogs so happy?
A: They eat whatever bugs them
A: They eat whatever bugs them
Q: What is brown and has a head and a tail but no legs?
A: A penny.
A: A penny.
Q: How do you make an Octupus laugh?
A: With ten-tickles
A: With ten-tickles
Q: Why are pirates called pirates?
A: Cause they arrrrr.
A: Cause they arrrrr.
Q: What is the tallest building in the world?
A: The library! It has the most stories!
A: The library! It has the most stories!
Q: What’s the first bet that most people make in their lives?
A: the alpha bet Q. What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? A. Milk and quackers!
A: the alpha bet Q. What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? A. Milk and quackers!
Q: How do you organize a space party?
A: You planet!
A: You planet!
Q: What did the leopard say after eating his owner?
A: Man, that hit the “spot.”
A: Man, that hit the “spot.”
Q: What do you call a sleeping bull?
A: A bulldozer!
A: A bulldozer!
Q: What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops?
A: Guardians of the Galaxy.
A: Guardians of the Galaxy.
Q: What do you call having your grandma on speed dial?
A: Instagram.
A: Instagram.
Q: Why did the banana go to the Doctor?
A: Because it was not peeling well
A: Because it was not peeling well
Q: Why is England the wettest country?
A: Because the queen has reigned there for years!
A: Because the queen has reigned there for years!
Q: What belongs to you but others use more?
A: Your name
A: Your name
Q: Why do fish live in salt water?
A: Because pepper makes them sneeze!
A: Because pepper makes them sneeze!
Q: Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
A: He wanted cold hard cash!
A: He wanted cold hard cash!
Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite.
A: Frostbite.
Q: What is the best day to go to the beach?
A: Sunday, of course!
A: Sunday, of course!
Q: Which is the building is the largest?
A: The library because it has the most stories.
A: The library because it has the most stories.
Q: What do you call an illegally parked frog?
A: Toad.
A: Toad.
Q: What bow can’t be tied?
A: A rainbow!
A: A rainbow!
Q: What do you call a laughing motorcycle?
A: A Yamahahaha
A: A Yamahahaha
Q: What season is it when you are on a trampoline?
A: Spring time.
A: Spring time.
Q: Where did the computer go to dance?
A: To a disc-o.
A: To a disc-o.
Q: What has one head, one foot and four legs?
A: A Bed
A: A Bed
Q: What is the difference between a school teacher and a train?
A: The teacher says spit your gum out and the train says “chew chew chew”.
A: The teacher says spit your gum out and the train says “chew chew chew”.
Q: Why did the birdie go to the hospital?
A: To get a tweetment.
A: To get a tweetment.
Q: Why did the cross-eyed teacher lose her job?
A: Because she couldn’t control her pupils?
A: Because she couldn’t control her pupils?
Q: What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa?
A: A Clausterphobic
A: A Clausterphobic
Q: What three candies can you find in every school?
A: Nerds, DumDums, and smarties.
A: Nerds, DumDums, and smarties.
Q: What sound do porcupines make when they kiss?
A: Ouch
A: Ouch
Q: Why was the guy looking for fast food on his friend?
A: Because his friend said dinner is on me.
A: Because his friend said dinner is on me.
Q: Did you hear the joke about the roof?
A: Never mind, it’s over your head!
A: Never mind, it’s over your head!
Q: What do you call a bee that lives in America?
A: USB
A: USB
Q: How do you make a tissue dance?
A: Put a bogey in it.
A: Put a bogey in it.
Q: Why didn’t the skeleton go to the dance?
A: Because he had no-body to go with.
A: Because he had no-body to go with.
Q: How do crazy people go through the forest?
A: They take the psycho path.
A: They take the psycho path.
Q: Did you hear about the angry pancake?
A: He just flipped.
A: He just flipped.
Q: What do prisoners use to call each other?
A: Cell phones.
A: Cell phones.
Q: What do you call a cow with a twitch?
A: Beef Jerky.
A: Beef Jerky.
Q: Did you ever hear about that movie constipation?
A: It never came out.
A: It never came out.
Q: What Do You Call A Bear With No Teeth?
A: A Gummy Bear
A: A Gummy Bear
Q: What do you get when you cross Sonic The Hedgehog and Curious George?
A: 2 Fast 2 Curious
A: 2 Fast 2 Curious
Q: Did you hear about the hairdresser?
A: She dyed.
A: She dyed.
Q: What do you call a musician with problems?
A: a trebled man.
A: a trebled man.
Q: Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?
A: He pasta way.
A: He pasta way.
Q: Where do snowmen keep their money?
A: In snow banks.
A: In snow banks.
Q: What do you call a very religious person that sleep walks?
A: a Roman Catholic
A: a Roman Catholic
Q: Did you hear about the crab that went to the seafood disco?
A: He pulled a muscle
A: He pulled a muscle
Q: Did you hear about the carrot detective?
A: He got to the root of every case.
A: He got to the root of every case.
Q: Why can’t you take a nap during a race?
A: Because if you snooze, you loose! Q. What did the tie say to the hat? A. You go on ahead and I’ll hang around
A: Because if you snooze, you loose! Q. What did the tie say to the hat? A. You go on ahead and I’ll hang around
Q: What washes up on very small beaches?
A: Microwaves!
A: Microwaves!
Q: What never asks questions but receives a lot of answers?
A: the Telephone.
A: the Telephone.
Q: What goes through towns, up & over hills, but doesn’t move?
A: The road!
A: The road!
Q: Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda?
A: He was lucky it was a soft drink.
A: He was lucky it was a soft drink.
Q: Why was there thunder and lightning in the lab?
A: The scientists were brainstorming!
A: The scientists were brainstorming!
Q: What did Delaware?
A: a New Jersey
A: a New Jersey
Q: Why did Tony go out with a prune?
A: Because he couldn’t find a date!
A: Because he couldn’t find a date!
Q: What do you cal purple when it is being mean?
A: Violent.
A: Violent.
Q: What did the little mountain say to the big mountain?
A: Hi Cliff!
A: Hi Cliff!
Q: Did you hear the one about the geologist?
A: He took his wife for granite so she left him
A: He took his wife for granite so she left him
Q: What did Winnie The Pooh say to his agent?
A: Show me the honey!
A: Show me the honey!
Q: What did the man say to the wall?
A: One more crack like that and I’ll plaster ya!
A: One more crack like that and I’ll plaster ya!
Q: What do you get when you cross a fridge with a radio?
A: Cool Music
A: Cool Music
Q: Why couldn’t the pirate play cards?
A: Because he was sitting on the deck!
A: Because he was sitting on the deck!
Q: What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
A: If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.
A: If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.
Q: Why did the traffic light turn red?
A: You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!
A: You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!
Q: What did one elevator say to the other elevator?
A: I think I’m coming down with something!
A: I think I’m coming down with something!
Q: What do you call a window that raps?
A: 2PANEZ
A: 2PANEZ
Q: What happened when a faucet, a tomato and lettuce were in a race?
A: The lettuce was ahead, the faucet was running and the tomato was trying to ketchup.
A: The lettuce was ahead, the faucet was running and the tomato was trying to ketchup.
Q: Why can’t your nose be 12 inches long?
A: Because then it would be a foot!
A: Because then it would be a foot!
Q: What has four wheels and flies?
A: A garbage truck!
A: A garbage truck!
Q: What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it?
A: Post Office!
A: Post Office!
Q: What do you call a belt with a watch on it?
A: A waist of time
A: A waist of time
Q: What did the blanket say to the bed?
A: Don’t worry, I’ve got you covered!
A: Don’t worry, I’ve got you covered!
Q: Why should you take a pencil to bed?
A: To draw the curtains!
A: To draw the curtains!
Q: What do you call an unpredictable, out of control photographer?
A: a loose Canon
A: a loose Canon
Find even more jokes at HillariousDad.com!
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